Review: Red Dwarf: Pete, Parts One and Two

Oh god, we're finally here. The worst episode of Dwarf, Pete (Part Two). Hold on tight.

Series Eight, Episodes Six and Seven - Pete
 Pete (Part Two) is hideous. It just is. But Pete (Part One) is slightly better. I'm going to review them side-by-side, god help me. Here I go.

          Lister and Rimmer are taken to see the Captain, for playing a prank on the prison warden. Their punishment is to have to play basketball against the Prison warden team. (Already, Dwarf? ALREADY?) They play the game, and get beaten up considerably. However, Lister has managed to sneak a form of viagra into the warden's team's drinks, and so in the second half they win. There's no comedy here. It's... just wrong. So once again they're escorted to his office, where they get punished again for the drugs fiasco.
        Their punishment is to peel spuds for two weeks. There's some more prison room comedy, where Lister is shown to not be able to do a crossword. We see Lister talking with the scutters, who are smuggling them things. rimmer, curious, asks if the scutters can smuggle them something to help with the spuds. Lister suggests a programmable virus which would eat the skins.
          Kryten, Cat and Kris are on a canary mission, looking through a ship that has swallowed up two entire canary battalions. Inside, they find a group of canaries frozen solid in time, looking at a machine. The machine is a time wand, which froze them, and can store time. Trying it out, Kryten accidnetally turns Kris and Cat into children. He then fast forwards them to their teenage years,  (bad 70s hair gag). Returning to normal, Kris anticipates that the wand could make the prison term pass by almost instantly.
          Back at the spuds, and Lister releases the virus. It works, but it also starts to eat their clothes. Bald and naken, they are once more escorted to the Captain's office. He tells them to go away, but not before shaking his hand and accidnetally transfering the virus onto himself. As he loses his hair, they're sentenced to two months in "the hole".
          In the dining room, Cat is beatun up by Baxter. Turning his lunch into a chicken, Kryten is forced to freeze him as he jumps for Cat. They escape. Meanwhile, in "the hole," Lister and Rimmer meet a madman called Birdman, with a pet sparrow called Pete. The scutters manage to help them escape, all of the crew frozen in time by Kryten. They follow the scutters until they meet the other guys in the landing bay, where they're having a picnic. Kryten ages their hair back, and Pete dies. Feeling sympathetic, they try to use the wand to de-age the sparrow... but for some reason, a tyranosauus rex appears instead.
          As we go to cliffhanger.. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!? ARE YOU INSANE?!? I mean, that episode was ok, if you ignore the tasteless basketball and the sheer idiocy of the cliffhanger. And they've frozen the crew! Not only is this task so great it beggars belief, but the fact that they haven't hitched a Starbug and gotton out of their is just insane!

          And now we plung, arse-first, into Part Two. I took a two-hour break just to prepare. We get a recap. Chased by the T.Rex, Kryten throws the time wand to Bob the Scutter, who is eaten by the T.Rex. They hide in a store-room, behind steel doors. Kris sugests that they need to get the wand out of his system, and so to speed up his bowel movements, plan to feed him a large curry. (A bowel movement/curry joke? Seriously?) Meanwhile, inside the T.Rex's stomach, Bob accidnetally activates the time wand, unfreezing the crew. Cutting back to the cargo bay, and they've made a large swimming pool of vindaloo and are... hanging a cow over it.
          The T-Rex comes in, and starts to eat. He starts screaming, to emphasise, "Duh dudes curry is hot lol". The dino crashes through a wall and two guards come in. Lister and Rimmer once again march into the Captain's office. He straight-facedly berates them, TALKING ABOUT THE DINOSAUR INSTEAD OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. He then goes on to describe the dinosaur's burp, and then its vomit. Lovely. He then confronts them about the dinosaur's diarrhoea attack. One moment.
          THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD
          Moving swiftly, on, the Captain tells Lister to use the wand to revert the dinosaur. They get prepared, and in the one funny segemnt in this thing, Rimmer, thinking Lister has the time wand and can easily reverse the Captain, tells the captain exactly how much he hates him. The captain then gives him the time wand.
          And... oh god. No. Please. Don't. They introduce... Kryten's... pet... penis. And it's called Archie.
          I CAN'T GO ON! I REFUSE! I WILL NOT REVIEW ANY MORE OF THIS EPISODE!!!
          Kris is cleaning under a bed as part of her punishment, trying to get a mouse. Kryten comes and tells her that it isn't a mouse, but his pet penis, Archie. Apparently he made it so he could be classified as a male. Kryten then calls for it.  It then escapes and runs away. They're then given a canary mission, to stop the dino. The guard says it totally non-shalantly, as if a rampaging dinosaur is a normal sort of problem. On the way there, there's a T.Rex masturbation joke.
         Then, Cat starts to spasm. It turns out that Kryten's pet penis is crawling around in his suit. Moving on, some mad prisoners, who want to have a fist fight with the dino, threaten Lister and Rimmer to stop them from doing the sane thing. For some reason, when the time wand is used on them , it doesn't work. They try punching the two but nothing happens. It turns out that they froze their bodies in place. The two madmen then steal the wand and run away.
          For some reason. they end up marching back to the Captain's office. He tells them to get them back. Unfortunately, their bodies catch up with the rest of them, meaning that they are beaten up, seemingly in mid air, right in front of the captain. Cutting forward, we see that the two madmen have been reverted to gorrillas (DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND BASIC BIOLOGY?). They take back the wand. Finding the T.Rex (who's sleeping like a dog...) they use the wand to ressurect Birdman, and then fast-forward Pete to a sparrow. Rimmer then tells him to destroy the wand so nothing like this could ever happen again. As they head back, they pass a giant dino egg. That's opening. The baby dinosaur get in the lift and climbs into the Captain's quaters, and on to his back, where he mistakes the dino for a masseuse.
           They end up marching back again, and the captain is so stressed he is speaking with cards. He says that he is going to spend 12 months in the hole, just to get over it.
           I don't blame him. This episode was bad. Really, really... just wrong. I need to stop now. I need to rest.

Thanks.