Eurovision: You Decide (2016)

Written 27th February 2016.

It's that time of year again, folks - time for us to choose our Eurovision entry. The last time we actually did that was a whole six years ago - and, as it happens, I discussed that car-crash of a show then, too. As with all of Nostalgia Filter's up-to-the-minute breaking news, I've decided to discuss the program, half to carry on the proud tradition I kind-of began all those years ago and half to vent about the current state of the UK's position in the content and the BBC's misguided attempts to put us back on the right track.

Dulcima - "When You Go"

Posh hippy bohemians with a full band of folksy instrumentalists, Dulcima were a duo composed of singers Dulcima and Thomas, the latter of whom wrote the song. The actual song was fairly upbeat and catchy, with the central melody still stuck in my head afterwards, even if the words disappeared into the sort of slurring high-pitched chirping employed by the likes of the Lumineers. The song ends with a nice little anthemic bit which would probably go down very well in the hall in Stockholm - but folksy acts play all the time at Eurovision, and not a single one has ever won. There's definitely an image problem that the two bring to the table - Macedonia can get away with presenting their local flavour, but if we do it looks a bit like we don't really care. 6/10.

Matthew James - "A Better Man"

My instant least favourite of the six songs, A Better Man is by Matthew James, former lead singer of "Bad Boys Inc", a boyband who broke the UK Top Ten once in their whirlwind two-year existence in the mid-Nineties. Because of this, James' vocal style sounds very much like pre-breakup Take That and feels like an instant throwback of the kind that sank the UK's chances in 2007 and 2010. Employed with creating a bastion of positivity (something which happened in 2010 as well, unfortunately), the judges tried to make out how "intimate" and "well-crafted" the song was - even as it was obvious (thanks to several repetitions during the voting recaps) that James was consistently out of tune throughout the song. 4/10.

Darline - "Until Tomorrow"

"Until Tomorrow" is a folksy pop song by young duo Darline, two girls with beaming smiles, the slight air of charming amateurism and acoustic guitars. There were some countryish vibes, which always go down well at Eurovision (well, recently anyway), and a great deal of quite good harmonization from the pair. It feels like a Eurovision song, and it felt like a song that would give the UK credibility in the way that Molly did in 2014. Darline was the act I voted for, and I was really, really worried that they wouldn't do well - but most of the feedback from the judges, at least, was fairly positive, with former winner Katrina noting that, "this is the kind of song that Europe would vote for." 9/10.

Karl William Lund - "Miracle"

Karl was a minor YouTube celebrity five years ago, and his song "Miracle" is about his brother's battle with cancer. I think some of the vocals are a bit shakey, but it is catchy (I'm writing this a day later and it's the main one stuck in my head) and I can imagine it representing us in Stockholm. Miracle seemed to get the biggest reaction last night, and the fact that Lund doesn't need much work doing on his look meant that it kinda felt like we had a pre-built package to send to Sweden. It wasn't my favourite song of the night, but I wouldn't have been sad if it had won. 8/10.

Bianca - "Shine a Little Light"

Quite possibly the bookie's favourite, Bianca, like Matthew James, was a member of a girl group, but that group disbanded last year rather than twenty-one years ago. Bianca has a contemporary sound with elements of light reggae and vocals that are very evocative of one the song's writers, Leona Lewis. Shine a Little Light is a classic Eurovision power-ballad, and yet another song which would have gone down a storm in Stockholm. Bianca's strange red gown with train needed a little bit of fashion advice, but even that was a sign that she was the correct choice to send to Eurovision. I chose Darline because I personally enjoyed their performance more, but like Karl William Lund, I still would have been pretty chuffed if Bianca had been elected. 9/10.

Joe and Jake - "You're Not Alone"

And finally, the first song of this sextet that was released last Monday on the Ken Bruce BBC Radio 2 morning show. Joe and Jake are "musicians" who became "famous" by both being on the 2015 series of The Voice UK, something true of one-half of last year's outfit Electro Velvet (with the qualifier that these guys actually got through into some stages while she was rejected completely.) You're Not Alone is not a bad song - it has a... let's say "modern" sound and it doesn't sound completely out of place at Eurovision. The two lads are enthusiastic about their song, but their live performance left a bitterly amateur taste in the air, and their "singing in the pub on the corner" aesthetic meant that I really wasn't impressed. It's a mediocre combination of stuff - I've heard several different descriptions of the two lads - I especially love the Telegraph's "Two fifths of an alternate universe One Direction." 5/10.

The Show Itself

It did feel like the producers of this show were taking things more seriously, even if there were some good jokes in their from mel Giedroyc. The whole show was plagued by technical issues throughout, which did worry me slightly, with the ghostly voice of Scott Mills occasionally announcing Mel's presence on stage half-way through her monologues and the amazing moment when Katrina's microphone distorted into some satanic-sounding blur. The interval acts during the voting and the voting tally were a tribute to the late Terry Wogan, a performance of "Love Shine a Light" from Katrina's winning 1997 contest and, bizarrely, a montage of the best moments from the BBC's 60th Anniversary Eurovision tribute broadcast in April last year.
      One thing I wish they'd scrap is the whole endless positivity crap, because other European countries who do these types of shows don't do that. Why? Because it produces crappy songs. This was one of the few times where endless positivity-producer Carrie Grant, vocal coach and former Eurovision singer, actually tried to produce some constructive criticism, but was so booed by the crowd that she didn't really get a chance.

Final Result

In 2015, we sent an amateur singer and a primary-school music teacher to Eurovision. In terms of points, they achieved the United Kingdom's worst score since nul points in 2003. The British public voted, and decided this year to send a PE Teacher and a former Garden Centre employee. Joe and Jake, two amateur singers who happened to be on The Voice, are going to be our representatives in Stockholm. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I guess that's what happens. Let's just look forward to Stockholm and hope that Europe like our lads.

Thanks.

Eurovision 2015 - My Top 12

So I have this blog tag called Eurovision which I used all the way back in 2010 to discuss our national selection process, and I did so with some fairly unpleasant words at that. I really shouldn't have, because Eurovision is about coming together as a continent to do something relatively fun and frivolous. If I liked it then I love it now, and actually spend a lot of time listening to all of the songs. It's my equivalent of watching sports or racing, but with a fantastic blend of camp performances, great music and the lingering stain of sixty years' international politics. So here, in a rough order, are my top 12 songs of the 40 from this year. (I love them all, I'm just organising them for funsies.)

12 -  Hungary - "Wars for Nothing", Boggie

Do you know our earth is a mess
All the wars for nothing, it never ends

Singer Boggie reached international aclaim (apparently) after her video for the song, "Nouveau Parfum", which acted as a protest against the retouching of women in magazines and the draconian standards of beauty created by the media. This time she presents a ballad (the first on this list of a large selection of ballads this year) which acts as a cry-out for peace, a common Eurovision topic of choice. Boggie's got a great voice, and while I'm not sure "Wars for Nothing" is a winner, it's really quite pleasant and easily makes this list.

11 - Lithuania - "This Time", Monika Linkyte and Vaidas Baumila

My God, stop for a minute and think
How about we just go out for a drink?

Monika Linyte has been trying to represent her country every year since 2010; she in fact competed against fellow singer Vaidas Baumila in last year's selection. Together they present an upbeat pop song with some catchy lyrics. And a pretty cool drop. I do hope that these two see some success this year, what with how long Linkyte has been trying to reach this point, but that's a story true of a few other artists this year too.

10 - Latvia - "Love Injected", Aminata

Your love revives my soul
And I know you’ll choose it whole overall

With FKA-twigs style verses on top of a Florence-esque chorus, Aminata pours out a great chunk of her soul into "Love Injected". An economics student (and prospective pop star), Aminata's got great style and despite how strange it may seem to the modern contest, I think it could be a real contender if the wind is in the right direction. Better than last year's "Cake To Bake" anyway, as fun as that was.

9 - Austria - "I Am Yours", The Makemakes

You’re what I belong to, the one thing that feels true
Everything I could ever want

The defending champions, following up Conchita Wurst's impressive bond-theme "Rise Like A Phoenix", have chosen young band The Makemakes and their love song "I Am Yours". Aside from the obvious Jason Mraz comparisons, the song is actually quite sweet, sincere and catchy to boot. It's near impossible for Austria to win twice in a row, but The Makemakes are pretty cool and you really couldn't ask for a better act in the "probably won't win" slot. (Well, one of the "probably won't win" slots.)

8 - Germany - "Black Smoke", Ann Sophie

Two hearts are left to burn, do you know
We’re only left with smoke

My second entry from the seven entries that are automatically going through to the final, Black Smoke is a jazzy number from London-born Hamburger Ann Sophie. Written by the fantastic Ella Eyre (whose album I've been waiting for since Christmas 2013 and which won't land until August of this year. It feels odd to me, because I never would have heard about her involvement in Eurovision had the actual winner of Germany's selection program "Unser Song für Österreich" not dropped out when he was announced as winner. Questions about whether he was right to even be in the running aside, I'm glad that this song ended up being Germany's instead of yet another goddamn ballad.

7 - Norway - "A Monster Like Me", Mørland & Debrah Scarlett

To find the prince you thought you found in me

I better set you free and give you up

This one had to grow on me first. As a song on its own, Norway's "A Monster Like Me" is a fairly nice ballad, balancing Mørland's quiet poignancy with Debrah Scarlett's frankness and power. It's also got a video which becomes really quite odd at the end. Other than that though I'm struggling to have a lot to say about it - it really did sneak up on me, but of all the other dry ballads this year, this is the one which has managed to stick in my head.

6 - Belarus - "Time", Uzari & Maimuna

Time is like thunder ah-ah
Hear it like thunder ah-ah

Uzari is a Belarusian singer who's been working with Eurovision for five years, this being his first time in the hotseat. Maimuna is a Russian-born violinist who grew up in Belarus and Mali. Together they've released "Time", a song whose catchy chorus and epic verses describe the inevitability of the passage of time. Belarus' last two entries (trashy "Solayoh" and cheeky "Cheesecake") didn't have half this much class and energy, and I actually do hope that this a contender - if only for Maimuna's fantastic violin score.

5 - United Kingdom - "Still In Love With You", Electro Velvet

Don't get on the wrong train, don't fly in an old plane

Don't go out in the pouring rain, you might get wet; I'd be upset

Here in the UK it's easy to just give up on the hope of ever winning the contest. After Josh Dubovies painful entry back in 2010 put a dampener on our 2009 success, we've sent a succession of old acts with little success. Last year I was convinced we had a chance thanks to Molly and her catchy anthem "Children of the Universe", but no luck. This year, instead of finding a popular singer, the BBC appointed Electro Velvet, a primary school music teacher and a reject from last year's series of The Voice UK. Together they perform Still In Love With You, a jazzy, fast paced pop song which either plays on the stereotype of British uptightness or is just cheesy as hell. Either way, I keep finding myself humming along to it, prepared as I am for it to fail completely.

4 - Denmark - "The Way You Are", Anti-Social Media

Summer's here, winter's gone
Finally I can see the sun
Every time you walk in to the room

Fresh off their hosting last year's contest, Denmark's made-for-the-contest band Anti-Social Media presents us with a fantastic, upbeat love song of the sort that ends up being quite popular at the contest. It's really catchy, the guy at mic isn't bad looking and in last year's contest, this would have been one of the high-flyers. I'm a little conflicted on its chances this year, however, as I can't help but wonder if the sheer number of ballads shows that Europe's tastes are moving away from this sort of song. For me though, this is a serious contender, and I hope it comes somewhere high.

3 - Estonia - "Goodbye to Yesterday", Elina Born & Stig Rasta

I didn't wanna wake you up,
my love was never gonna be enough,
so I took my things and got out of the way now, girl

Last year, The Netherlands submitted the amazing "Calm After The Storm". While that had more of a country vibe, this year's Estonian entry certainly follows in its spirit, and of all the love duets on this list it's by far my favourite. This was the song that stuck in my head the first time I skimmed through all of the songs, and I found my self humming the tune to it back in March before I'd even seriously thought about this year's selections. It's a beautiful song, it's catchy-ish, and it might be a contender. Might.

2 - Belgium - "Rhythm Inside", Loic Nottet

And if we die , tomorrow
What’ll we have to show
For the wicked ways, down below
The rhythm inside is telling us

Okay, so there's been some talk that this song rips off Lorde, and I can certainly see where they're coming from - the beat certainly takes after "Royals" in its pacing - but I'm not really ready to use that to tar the song. Inbetween ethereal yet sinister verses, Nottet delivers a powerful and aggressive chorus that gets me singing along every time. It's surprising to me that a song that feels this avant-garde is coming from a runner-up on The Voice Belgique, but I'm glad that this guy has had the chance to submit a song like this. It just goes to show that despite all the ballads that this year's given us, Eurovision can still provide some interesting music.

1 - Australia - "Tonight Again", Guy Sebastian

This is one tough act to follow
Oh baby tonight’s so good
Forget tomorrow
We can do tonight again

What the hell is this? Australia is literally on the other side of the planet to Europe, how can it be part of the Eurovision Song Contest? I'm more okay with it than I sound - as a one-off arrangement for the 60th Anniversary, Australia gets to field an act in the finale, with the agreement being that they can only return next year if they win. So of course they sent Guy Sebastian, an actual pop star dude in Australia whose soul-infused "Tonight Again" has been stuck in my head for weeks. Sebastian manages to embody a lot of things in one song - he's got soul chops and he's the life of the party. I just love this song, and I actually hope it wins - if only to shake Eurovision up a bit and show that maybe this guest thing can work again in the future.

Thanks.

Review: Eurovision: Your Country Needs You

Author's Note (20/4/15): This was written in 2010 and doesn't represent my current views. I apologise for the attitudes expressed herein.

What a load of shite.

I like to watch the yearly waste of time that is the Eurovision Song Contest, mainly to laugh and poke fun at foreigners, but that's beside the point. No, this is a review of the assinine selection process now known as "Your Country Needs You."

Unlike what was a fair(er) selection last year, this time we've been plonked with our terrible six and the insane public have been forced to vote for three people that Peter Waterman has seemingly picked up off the streets of London, as if this was a last-minute thing and not an annual event. It was a ceremonial burial of 90s pop, which I detest due to my birth in close proximity. Among the tortured souls were ABBA, Steps and Bananarama, things you would expect from Peter Waterman, lovingly inebriated by the six acts.

First up was an interloping Geordie woman who had a voice deeper than host Graham Norton, singing something that my mind has desperately tried to eradicate, and by the time of writing has suceeded in doing so. Nonetheless, my vague idea of the song was flat, dull moan that tended not to vary in tone, pitch or quality. Needless to say that even poor senile Waterman didn't send her through to the public vote.

The second act was a slightly better and slightly Swedish looking act called Alexis (from London) that gave a bit more effort and actually cared about the position for reasons other than a television position. He was put through to the public vote.

Then there was unfortunatly named group Uni5, a group of students (from London) replicating Steps and singing a Bananarama song. In my opinion they were the best there, the best individual singers and the best group. Apart from one of the men, who had eyes like glass marbles polished in vinegar.

Then came what I call the Token Ethnic, "Esma", a woman (from London) so out of tone and pitch the words she was singing were no longer recognisable. It reminded me vaguely of a little girl singing in front of a mirror into a hairy hairbrush, where there's hopefully no one watching. She was put through by a seemingly tone-deaf Waterman.

Then there was Josh, another bloke (from London) that was hopelessly committing grevious bodily harm on Jason Donovan. He didn't have any emotion, and was an admitted kareoke singer, something which became slowly apparent as the night went on. To complete the ensemble, he was put through.

I won't mention the other act, a girl group with one set of clothes between them, and instead take a look at the guest acts. Judge jade Ewan, former winner and Sugababe, performed with her unlikely comrades and I suddenly felt worried for the state of the future of human culture and of my own psyche.

Then came the Norweigan entry from last year with a song that derservedly won in 2009 and still sticks in my head today. Simply brilliant. It dwarfed everything that went before it.

So it came to the three. Alexis, Esma and Josh. The moderatly Good, reliably Bad and the considerably Ugly. First out was Esma (I regained my hope for the human race) and... Josh won (and then I lost it again.)

What do other countries do? They use proffesionals, people that have established careers, people who can sing. If the British do insist on this farce, then at least do it right.

Thanks.