Review: Red Dwarf: Back In The Red Parts 1, 2 and 3.

Do I really have to? Really? Please, spare me. Don't make me review Back In The Red, I beg you!

Series Eight, Episodes One, Two and Three - Back In The Red

The time had to come. Eventually. And here I am, reviewing this, this... mess. It was originally broadcast over three weeks, but in the true spirit of reviewing, I'm gonna review it as what it really is - a film, or the closest we're going to get to one. Such is the sheer wrong in this episode, that doing a moment-by-moment recap is, well, painful. I also can't bare to put in a quote.

          We start out with Lister and a human Rimmer in prison uniforms, doing what seems to be close to a Series One routine. It's a little lacklustre though, and Barrie isn't saying much. Rimmer is for some reason back to his Series One personality. Cut to three days earlier, and Starbug is rapidly being crushed as Red Dwarf shrinks back into its original size. There's another lacklustre comedy sequence and they avoid one rat, to then, erm, head up the arse of another. Lovely.
          They manage to escape into the hangar. Running from the ship, it explodes spectacularly. Lister looks up, and two of his old friends are standing there. Kochanski (looking a bit older for some reason, I notice,) assumes, correctly, that the nanobots also recreated the crew. (CONGRATULATIONS NAYLOR, YOU JUST WENT AGAINST THE PREMISE OF YOUR OWN SHOW.) Kryten thinks this is fantastic, but realism gets in the way and the Captain comes along to arrest all four with the charge of stealing a Starbug. crashing a Starbug, and smuggling on The Cat and Kryten. He's inprisonned in his original sleeping quarters.
          Lister asks his Holly what's going to happen if he loses the court case, and its revealed that he could get two years in the Brig, a terrible prison used for storing prisoners that Earth couldn't manage. He sits down to contemplate the matter, when Irritating!Rimmer comes in and, well, acts like he did in very early Series One. He tries appealing to Rimmer's better nature, but Rimmer is loving it.
          The officers are worried, because they've noticed that the ship is three-milion years off course. They examine The Cat, and there are various jokes regarding his internal organs. Meanwhile, Lister tells Rimmer about all of the crew information left in the crashed Starbug, and offers it in exchange for help in escaping. He takes up the offer.

          Meanwhile, the crew's psychiatric officer is talking to Kryten. All of his creation records and knowledge of the world come from after the original anhialation of the crew, so he is sent down as insane, and as needing to be rebooted with his original programming. Rimmer gets the files, and also two positive viruses (from Quarantine). He takes the Sexual Magnetism virus, and walks down the corridor, prompting our first break.
          So far, the comedy has been passable, with some quite horrible bits with large gaps in logic. Chris Barrie helps proceedings, but it's certainly a fan letdown to see his character reverted. The whole idea of bringing back the crew goes against everything Dwarf is, and so it's quite annoying that it was even considered.
          When we go back in, there's a recap from the Captain. It shows that he's aware of Lister and Rimmer's deal. Rimmer comes into the Captain's office and impresses him in several interesting, and sometimes crude, ways. He responds by inviting him to the Captain's table. Kryten is seen going into a Doctor's surgery, and for some, awful, reason the doctor treats him as he would a human being. Since he doesn't have male genitalia, he's sent to live in the female quarters (even though, one would assume, he doesn't have female genitalia either.) He talks to Kochanski and talks about being reverted to Factory settings. Kochanski says that if he needs to say no to them, then he should imagine them on the loo, so they cease to be his superiors. Chloe Annett is acting worse than ever before.
          All four sit down to the inquiry. Captain Holister acts if they are familiar with the Mind-Scan, which shows their thoughts and puts them into a trance-like state at the lick of an envelope. They do so, but don't recognise the fantasy. Rimmer goes back to Lister and talks about his exploits. He then refuses to release him, but when he's gone, he uses a little bit of the luck virus, smuggled from Rimmer, to escape.
          The officers confront Kryten and offer him a choice - be reverted to Factory settings, or face trial with the others. Kryten, unable to deny them, steals a gun from a guard and forces the officers into a toilet, where they further declare him insane and force him into Factory settings. These scenes are, quite frankly, painful.
          Lister and Kochanski, disguised as workers, sneak into a lift where Lister uses the sexual magnetism virus, off of his other hand. They nearly get it on, but the Luck virus cures him. Meanwhile, Kryten is being cured by a computer system, controlled by the virtual "Data Doctor" (Robert Llwellyn, how could you?). He is rebooted, and is completly useless.
           Rimmer goes to the Captain's supper, and proceeds to sneak off and have sex with every female officer, using the Sex-Mag virus. Lister and Kochanski have managed to get The Cat from the medi-bay and now only need to get Kryten. They plan to steal a Starbug and go off adventuring again. When they find Kryten, they find that he's lost his corrupted files, and so go into a supply corridor to get a better disguise. Using sets of false teeth and mop-heads, they disguise themselves as forms of... oh god, the Duane Dibley family. This disguise manages to fool two guards, for some reason. Kryten comes in, needing a mop, and recognises the Duane Dibbley disguise. His files corrupt, right there, on the spot. Holly draws away the guards, and Kochanski points out that it seems too easy, while Lister claims it's the Luck virus working.
          Captain Hollister reveals to Rimmer that the others are in a simulation. Fearing for his safety, by virtue of Lister mentioning the agreement, he leaves the table. Trying to regain control of his libido, he injects his penis with horse tranquizer, making him unable to walk properly. I can't believe I just had to right that. Seriously.

          Elsewhere, the four Dibblies walk down a corridor. Two scutters, wanting to follow them, put on tiny false teeth and wigs. And we cut to the second break. At this point I'm beginning to get increasingly weary of the toilet humour, and the frankly stupid character actions. There's no charm, no wit. Just... just idiocy. But I fear the worst has yet to come.
          We go back in, and there's some more prison comedy. Barrie actually talks in this one, so it's a lot more watchable. Skipping back two days, we get another recap from Hollister. Then, the four dibbly's, stuck in their fantasy, get in a Blue Midget. They don't have the clearance code, so The Cat chats up the woman in control and, in one of the worst scenes in the history of Dwarf, proceeds to spend an agonizing two minutes dancing with the ship.
         At the AI suite, Rimmer comes along and erases all mention of the deal between him and Lister from the playback. Feeling this, Kryten tells them that they're in a simulation. They escape by pressing an exit button. Instead of waking up, they find themselves in a claymation world. When will this end, Dwarf. When does the episode end?!? Anyway, they press a bottle of Ketchup (Seriously Naylor? Seriously?) and they awaken. Lister confronts Rimmer, but they all have to hold off Kochanski, who is affected by Rimmer's virus.
          Rimmer takes the Luck virus and everything's back to normal. They decide to once again take a Blue Midget and bring along Rimmer. He is at first worried, but he then goes along with it. They get a blue midget, and luckily we're not treated to the dance again (although one does worry). They escaoe, once again, and there's a real hope this time.
          After some good Series 1-level comedy, it's revealed that not only did Holly's nanobots recreate the crew, "I thought you'd be pleased," it turns out that they're still in the fantasy machine, only this time Rimmer is included. Hollister finally concludes that they were innocent of the original crimes, but now are guilty of using the crew's files to their own ends, which has the same sentence as the original charges.
          I won't make a proper conclusion. My thoughts are up there. I don't want to continue this today... do I have to do more tommorrow? Really?

Thanks. Or No Thanks.