Review: Red Dwarf: Cassandra and Krytie TV

Before I get started on these episodes, I want to briefly revisit Back In The Red.

Revisit - Series Eight, Episode One, Two and Three - Back In The Red
This episode is such a buzz-kill that I didn't have the energy to write this stuff in its review. My main point is the large logical gaps that this episode leaves wide open; Why didn't the officers work out what had happened before trialling them? Why were they prosecuted on crimes that hadn't happened? Why is the sentence for such a small crime two years in a hell-hole? Why did Hollister conclude that all members were guilty of sharing the information, when it was only Rimmer? "bangs head on table"

Series Eight, Episode Four - Cassandra

"This is the first time I've been seduced by pre-determinism theory!"

So, it's the first episode in the prison environment, and after BITR expectations aren't high. How does Cassandra fare? Well, it's known by fans as the only bearable episode of Series Eight, so that should say something...
          Lister consults Holly and we open to a one-liner that puts the entire preceeding film to shame. The problem it then faces, as does every god-damn joke in this series, is that it then explains the joke, ridding it of all humour. Rimmer comes in, moaning, and the following exchange is quite crude but funny.
         Lister reveals that he has volunteered all five members for something called the Canaries, a group which has quite a few atractive privelages. Lister thinks it's a singing troup, while Rimmer then reveals to him that it's a suicide squad, used for exploring unsafe derelicts and mining areas.
         In the Canaries briefing, they meet an insane prisoner called Kill Crazy (played by Eastenders' Jake Wood). Captain Hollister tells them about a ship abandoned on an ocean moon, where the crew has mysteriously vanished. The Canaries are to be sent in to find whatever killed them and eradicate it. In an effort to escape, the five start singing. Badly. But it's funny. And that's what counts.
          They get frightened out of it, and end up going on to the ship. As they fearfully enter the ship, paranoia forbidding, they activate the ship's mainframe, to try and find out about what happened. When they activate it, they find an old woman, who knows each one by name and is called Cassandra. She is a computer that can predict the future. The crew go through the moral dilemnas of knowing the future. I must say, the actress playing Cassandrais wonderfully charismatic throughout.
          Rimmer asks Cassandra how Lister dies, and there's a great gag about how, even though he dies aged 181 taking off a bra with his teeth, the bra is probably his and the teeth aren't necessarily in his mouth. Kryten explains his theory; that the ship didn't crash, but was sent here on auto-pilot to rid the world of the computer. Cassandra then predicts that the ship will start to depressurise, and that the Canaries will all be dead within the hour, except for Rimmer, who has 20 minutes. The other four don't die at all.
          Knowing that he dies worrying about his impending death, Rimmer can't help worrying about his impending death. They all say that Rimmer is going to die because the future can't change. Rimmer, however, realises that during the discussion Cassandra didn't identify him as Rimmer, and so it could be any male member of the five. He then decides to find someone to introduce to Cassandra as Rimmer, so that he dies instead.
         He does so, and Mr. Knot dies of a heart-attack.  He thinks he's fooled Cassandra, but she reveals that she knew he was Knot. Testing the theory that as the four survivors, Kryten, Cat Kris and Lister are therefore immortal, Kryten demonstrates by trying to fire a gun at all of them. He then decides that if they surrounded Rimmer, they could use their invulnerability to get him to the diving bell. They do so, but when they make it to the diving bell they find that Rimmer has strayed off.
          Finding him down a hole next to the diving bell, Kochanski goes down to help him up. The water burst through, so they go into the diving bell itself, leaving Kryten, Lister and Cat above the reach of the water. Resigned to his fate, Rimmer goes and asks Cassandra how he dies. She tells him that Lister finds him making love to Kochanski and shoots him. Excited, he goes and tells Kochanski, who is deeply shocked, and questions the wholething. Rimmer accepts that you can't change the future, while Kochanski is starting to think about it more seriously.
           When Kochanski says she'll never get into the bed, a pipe bursts and she is doused with water. Meanwhile the others are on their way back up to Dwarf. Lister is planning to go back down to the ship. He brings a harpoon gun, just in case. Kochanski is sat in the quilt, while Rimmer, quite hilariously, tries to woo her.  Lister comes in an hour early, and tells them his theory. Cassandra didn't see Rimmer die - she saw her own death, and so told Rimmer that to try and inspire Lister to kill him. Lister confronts her, and decides that just to spite her, he won't kill her. However, he puts his chewing gun on the wall, sparking a chain reaction that blows out her circuitry.
          This episode is wonderful. It may not stick out amongst the best, but in Series Seven and Eight it is a marvelous example of a good comedy in these nadir parts.

Series Eight, Episode Five - Krytie TV

Combine sexism, poor humour, a complete lack of understanding of character, and you'll get this episode. It not only goes against the series' spirit as a whole, there're also completely pointless breaks in logic. I'm going in.
          We see Kryten in the Women's section of the prison and they're, for some reason, doing stereotypically girlish things, like jump-rope and painting their nails. In the showers, Kryten has an umbrella (WHY IS HE IN THE SHOWERS? HE'S AN ANDROID!) Back in Lister's room, and there's a bad pun about the post having arrived. Rimmer sifts through the usual death threats, and find he's won a lucky dip and the Lottery. In another letter, Peterson is sending down Lister's guitar. We get a random throwback to the Ohm song (from Timeslides), and Lister finds that they've confiscated the strings so he doesn't kill himself. An appeal letter comes through.
         We skip forward two days as they're returning from a mission. Kryten moans about how he hates being in the women's showers, and the men drool unconvincingly. Kill Crazy suggests filming them, but Rimmer objects, before giving in. Kryten also objects, so when they get back to the ship, Kill Crazy somehow knocks him out and reprograms him. (This spindly, insane idiot can not only knock out a mechanoid but also knows programming?)
          The prisoners are watching a B-movie, and it's replaced with a film called Krytie TV, which has a mad Kryten filming the naked, showering women. Half-way through, he looks at a tile to allow for his minions (with special shirts, for some reason,) to collect currency. (Collapsed beer cans? WHY?)
         Back to Kryten's pad, and for some reason he's coloured gold, and has collected a lot of wealth (from BEER CANS?!?) Apparently, as Lister goes to visit, Kryten is now a "ruthless entrepeneur". Kochanski comes in, and Kryten offers her a waterproof pogo stick ("It will makes ratings go through the roof!") and so Lister tells Kochanski about everything. Kochanski is, instead of being outraged at Kryten, more angry at Lister, and acts very much like a teenage girl.
          Back to some more prison comedy, and Lister is trying to make it up to Kochanski. Kryten comes in, claiming to have been re-designated male. (But he still hasn't got any genitalia, which makes the whole gender business a little, well... let's not go there.) He then tells Lister that Kochanski is going out with Tim, her ex-boyfriend. They discuss their plan, to sabotage the date by making Tim's room look like hell. Kryten suggests a ventilation shaft.
          So we see Lister sneaking in and doing several horriffic things to Tim's room, which are broadcast on Krytie TV. Kryten then reveals that the room was that of the prison Warden, who is returning to the room. Rimmer, frightened for their appeal, rushes in to help as we watch, rather tediously, them simply cxleaning up the room in an unspectacular fashion. They get away, eventually, and Lister tells Rimer that the appeal was for his guitar strings.
          One popular fan opinion is that this episode is good if you forget that this is Red Dwarf, and that is partially true. But that's a bit of a cop-out. There are some small good moments, but the rest is either unfunny, offensive or unremarkable. It's watchable, sure, but it's... tiring.

Thanks.