Writing about video games is not my strong suit. A game experience is so much more dynamic than film, and has a lot more potential to engage. Nowhere is this more true than in Firewatch, a 2016 game from small Campo Santo studio which I played two days ago and haven't been able to shake since. It's often grouped into the Walking Simulator genre, itself making nods to the genre-defining Gone Home, although it has a great deal more freedom of movement than the term usually suggests. What it does have in ommon with other walking sims is a deep, engaging story, told with expertise and simplicity. With a pretty woodland sandbox and a handful of voice actors, Firewatch manages to tell a story about isolation and paranoia which, while perhaps inelegant, had me hooked from start to finish. This review will touch upon spoilers, so if you intend to play, please go do so now.
You play as Henry, a Fire Watchman in the lush Shoshone National Forest who took this job to escape his ill wife, who has dementia. His only regular contact is with Delilah from the next tower over, and Henry's supervisor. Mundane operations in the forest soon turn into a desperate hunt to uncover what seems to be a conspiracy to stalk and harass Henry and Delilah for unknown reasons. The story is told mostly through the radio, with the player able to call Delilah to talk, ask about interesting places and things, and even to flirt on occasion. While the actual plot of the game is fairly linear, your comments and behaviours do come back to haunt you later, which gives it a little bit of replay value. There are elements of the story which are either left ambiguous or are plot holes, and it's not sure which, but I think a lot of them exist as red herrings to drive the player's paranoia. As for the ending: I think that, although a little abrupt, it works in context and drives home the message that running away from your problems is more often than not a terrible idea.
Firewatch is short and sweet - six hours tops if you have no sense of direction, and a smooth three if you're on a second or third play through. The game's environment, navigated with a map and compass, is immersive and beautiful, and although initially you are limited in where you travel, the map soon opens up as Henry acquires more tools and resources. For those who desire more challenge, there is an option to turn off the "you are here" icon on the in-game map, requiring you to work out where you are from your surroundings. I personally didn't notice that option until my second play through, by which time I rarely needed to use the map. By the end of my first time with the game, I felt like I had learnt its paths as well as my own hometown, and the minimal, immersive design is a big factor in that. Firewatch made me want to go for a walk in the woods.
As for graphics, the game runs on Unity in a rugged art style that very much favours the game's terrain. This game is very pretty, and can sometimes be breathtaking. The designers obviously saved a lot of time and money in making it so the only animated human we see up close is Henry's own torso,but that in itself helps the theme of isolation. The game's only real downfall in that regard was the consistent framerate drops on PS4, which two years post-release still haven't been addressed. One thing I found hard to get used to was that going too far off the path sometimes led Henry to just stop abruptly, which broke up the flow but luckily didn't happen too often. The game was updated after launch to include a designer commentary and a Free Roam mode, which is much appreciated but could have done with little tweaks like including Delilah's comments on everything and allowing you to sleep to change the in-game time.
Overall though, the only thing I'd complain about with Firewatch is that there simply wasn't enough of it. I would have appreciated a little more time as a mundane Watchman before the paranoia started to set in, if only another twenty minutes or so. This game grabbed me in a way that a game hasn't in a long time - owing mainly to its beautiful immersive visuals, its impressive minimalist storytelling and its short runtime, which meant that the twists and turns of the plot came hard and fast. For me, games like this don't come along that often, and I don't think I'm ever going to forget it.
Thanks.
Saturday, 10 March 2018
Saturday, 3 March 2018
Top Ten Worst Moffat Era Episodes, Part Two
(Previous article containing entries 6-10 here).
5 - The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon (Series 6, Episodes 1 & 2)
Written by Steven Moffat
I went camping in Easter 2011 and it was terrible, just terrible. The worst aspect, for me, was not being able to see The Impossible Astronaut, a premiere I had been really excited for. In hindsight, this was to be the start of a lifetime of disappointment. When I finally watched this two-parter I was initially blown away, but as Season 6 went on, it became increasingly clear that the admittedly well-done setup of The Doctor's death and Amy and Rory's decision to hide it from his younger self were all for nought, and it was a very egregious example of the way that Moffat fails to write compelling mystery and suspense.
The Silents, introduced in this episode, have the inklings of a good idea. Moffat likes to play around with sight and memory, and so the gimmick of the Silents erasing your memory of them when you look away is quite spectacular. As time wears on, though, it becomes a bit of a tired meme, and holes start appearing in the concept - how did these things come to be, and how do they communicate? We're never given those details; neither are we very clear on why they are manipulating the Human race, other than some vague mentions of them blowing up the TARDIS last season and one of them killing a woman at random in a bathroom. For me and a few others, the story fails to convince the viewer that the Doctor's solution to the problem - brainwashing Humanity into committing a Silent genocide using the Moon Landing video - is anything short of barbaric and cruel, especially when the music and tone make it seem like a heroic and dashing thing to do with no moral implications.
Other annoyances in the episode bought it a place on the upper half of this list. Like Churchill before and after, the episode sees the Doctor palling around with war criminal Richard Nixon. (I look forward to Doctor Who in 40 years doing an episode where the 21st Doctor goes for dinner with Trump). In Moffat tradition, there is melodrama and death fake-outs, further damaging the credibility of the show's stakes, and River Song is here at her most annoying, clichéd self. It's also worth mentioning that as a whole, Series 6 is my least favourite of the revival for a number of reasons, and some of them are showcased here - poor writing, the really bad mytharc story surrounding River Song, and a feeling that the show is just being half-assed on every front.
Honourable Mention: The Wedding of River Song is the culmination of this terrible storyline and is just as muddled and poorly thought-out. It manages to barely escape the list by not including a genocide, and by being too similar to some other episodes already here.
4 - A Good Man Goes To War (Series 6, Episode 7)
Written by Steven Moffat
I don't quite know where to start with Good Man. It feels quite unique, for both good and bad reasons. At the time I recognised it as fluffy in the extreme - heavy in style, light in substance. Now Meant to be the dramatic cliffhanger to the first half of a season unnecessarily split in two, the events of Good Man are so bizarre and ridiculous that sometimes I have to remind myself that an episode this bad even exists.
Never one for subtlety, the Doctor (the one famous for solving his problems with words and using violence as a last resort) blows up an entire fleet of Cyberman ships (which they apparently have now) to extort information about Amy's location. Rory thinks he's cool because he's wearing a centurion costume, and for some reason the soundtrack agrees. We find that Amy has been kidnapped by a military cult called the Silence; an offshoot of a Space Church that wants the Doctor dead. This army includes human soldiers, two gay characters who literally ask why they deserve to have names, and headless monks who never appear before or after and who make no sense. This trained army is disabled by a bunch of Silurians and a "good" Sontaran who talks about breastfeeding. After humiliating one of the Silence generals, it is revealed that Amy's baby is part Time Lord because she was conceived in the TARDIS, "in a bunk bed" and that River Song was Amy's baby after all. The bad guy gets away with Amy's baby, as the one they thought they rescued was a clone that melts when she leaves.
The moment I heard that Amy had named her child "Melody Pond" I knew what the twist was; I'm not sure anyone was particularly asking for that kind of twist, either. River Song's welcome was long overstayed, and tying her destiny even more tightly with The Doctor's feels uncomfortable for a show with a characteristically transitive nature. The loss of Amy's baby, something that should be traumatising to Amy and Rory, never gets the treatment it deserves in follow-up episodes, and this is where for me they cease to be characters and become delivery devices for cool one-liners.
Honourable Mention: The Almost People is nowhere near this list, as the two parter it closes actually has good ideas and executes them well, but the ending scene where Amy is revealed as a ganger and then we watch her being forced to give birth in captivity is traumatic and horrible. It has Moffat's hands all over it.
3 - Kill The Moon (Series 8, Episode 7)
Written by Peter Harness
Please read my review of this episode, it goes into much more detail on just how scientifically illiterate it is.
I have debated with myself about how high on this list this episode deserves to be; it was in second place for a while until I came to my senses. While it does deserve to be here, the reason that this episode is so bad is entirely down to its own writer, Peter Harness, who likes to bring right-wing political elements to his episodes. Kill The Moon fails on three fronts - the science that is so bad as to render the episode unbelievable, the anti-abortion message shoved into a show it does not belong in, and a general failure to make anyone in the slightest bit likable.
The central dilemma at the heart of the story, whether to kill the alien living in the moon, never has any weight because the science used in the episode is so laughable. The Doctor has been coming to Earth for thousands of years, and has only now noticed that the Moon is an egg?! Lines about there being no minerals or water on the moon betray the fact that Harness didn't seem to do a cursory Wikipedia search before writing this trash, and that lack of effort seeps into the episode. We're meant to be struck by the moral dilemma, and be taught that not aborting the child is the best thing to do in the long run, but unlike in the real world, Harness brings in magic nonsense that defies the laws of physics in order to avoid all consequences for that choice. That over all other things makes the polemic nature of this episode as clear as glass. The anti-abortion message is so woven into the episode that there's no hope of actually exploring sci-fi ideas, because everything is pointed towards making you hate the idea of abortion in every situation.
I really have to wonder how this got past the writing team. It's notable that Harness' later stories are co-written with Moffat, in a miraculous case of him making something better by being there. That would not be the case in the remainder of this list, with two Moffat episodes taking the silver and gold slots by a country mile...
Honourable Mention: The Zygon Invasion/The Zygon Inversion two-parter, also written by Harness, spends its first half going, "Did you know that all refugees are terrorists? Dangerous terrorists. Anyone of them could be a terrorist. Your mum could be a terrorist." It then spends its second half going, "How dare you suggest that refugees are terrorists!? All that terrorists need to stop terroristing is a good talking to." It was stupid, insensitive, and although the speech at the end is well performed, the whole exercise was a total disaster.
2 - Let's Kill Hitler (Series 6, Episode 8)
Written by Steven Moffat
This was originally going to be one step above its immediate predecessor, A Good Man Goes To War, but then I realised that it had Hitler in it as a joke character and it just shot up here. Let's Kill Hitler is, quite frankly, an embarrassment. The end of hiatus should be a time for a good episode to bring the audience back on side, but instead we are given this nonsense - more of everything Moffat; fake-outs, making The Doctor the centre of everything, River Song, sexism, and so on.
Let's Kill Hitler is a confusing beast because it expects us to take it seriously as Moffat abuses time travel and retcons to try and make River Song's story make sense. The deep trauma Amy and Rory would suffer at losing their newborn daughter is explained away; "She was with them the whole time," he says, "She was the immature friend they had, so really they helped raise her after all!" The simple fact is that, not only is this callous, it doesn't even make sense. The Doctor's personality changes drastically even across one life, and yet we're meant to believe that River's brainwashing lasted two lifetimes, even when one of them saw her being raised as a human child in Leadworth. Her character bounces around so much in this one episode that the "surprise" at the end when she decides to sacrifice the rest of her regenerations to reverse The Doctor's poisoning feels hollow, and, along with the time-travelling vigilante team, puts a focus on Moffat's hero-worship of the Doctor over all other things.
Trying to mix this shambles of a main plot with the biggest sci-fi cliche of all time is a big no-no, as is the entire threat of the episode. You can't have the Doctor's death lingering over us from the premiere and then expect us to care that he might die now instead of then. We all know he isn't going to die, but Moffat just resist using this trope over and over. What we're left with is an episode that really serves no purpose beyond dropping the hint for the solution to this season's grand gambit. It doesn't even manage to be fun, because it all rings as insincere and childish, and with a deep lack of respect for those watching.
Honourable Mention: The Big Bang, where Moffat... retcons the Universe? I should have seen it coming.
That's the worst Series 6 episodes gone, which can only leave...
1 - Time of the Doctor (Series 7, Third Christmas Special)
Written by Steven Moffat
My review here from the time is really good, and talks about the plot.
Here it is. The worst story belongs to the worst Doctor. Since 2013 I have seen almost everything in the Classic Series, and I have been waiting for something to knock Time from its pedestal, and nothing has. In his attempt to culminate everything in the Matt Smith era, Moffat manages to encapsulate almost every shit thing about it. He makes the Doctor the centre of the Universe one last time, and simultaneously tries to brand his mark onto the show in a permanent and terrifying way. Not content to retcon his predecessor's main storyline out of existence, not content to retcon his terrible companion into every area of Doctor Who history, Moffat decided he also had to be the one to solve the issue of the Doctor's regeneration limit, despite being two Doctors too soon, just so they can write that Moffat woz 'ere.
I might not have minded Moffat's solution to the 13 life problem had it not been such a deus ex machina. Clara begging the Time Lords to help The Doctor is something that should not have worked, and only works because of her status as a magical plot device here in her first season. The paradox the Doctor's survival creates is one that Moffat never apparently realised, as without his death and grave to send Clara through time in Name of the Doctor, all of this never happens, and Series 7 never happened. Which seems to be the show's attitude as well, as apart from the Zygon two-parter, nobody has ever mentioned the events of this season after the fact.
Sexism and archaic attitudes to gender politics were rife throughout Moffat's era, especially in Smith's tenure, and that is one of the things I remember the most from this episode. Smith's Doctor is not a role model for children - he is a pest. The Doctor by this point in his life has literally no excuse to be unfamiliar with human customs and standards of reasonable interaction. He smacks Clara on the bottom and shows up to her house naked. Five episodes before this he sexually assaults a rape survivor in The Crimson Horror by holding her down and kissing her. He laughs when she slaps him, and tells her it feels good. It may seem like I'm demonising the Doctor here, but it's clear from elsewhere both in Doctor Who and away from it that Moffat simply doesn't see anything wrong with these things
I would go into more detail about the episode, but I think you get the idea. My review linked above is a lot more comprehensive, and has a fun drinking game. I wanted to take a moment to say something personal. There are episodes on this list which made me mad, Kill the Moon in particular being a big one for that. But no episode crushed my faith in Doctor Who more than Time of the Doctor. I was fully prepared to sit and wait for Moffat to leave the show before watching it again. So I have to thank Peter Capaldi and Brian Minchin, who managed to steer the show back into something that, although flawed, I wanted to tune into every week. Part of me is looking forward to the future of the show, because I know that however much I have disliked what Chibnall brought to the show before now, nothing can ever be as bad as this shitty, shitty farce of an finale.
Thanks
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| Basing an entire season's drama on whether the title character of a decades old series will die is an awful writing move. |
5 - The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon (Series 6, Episodes 1 & 2)
Written by Steven Moffat
I went camping in Easter 2011 and it was terrible, just terrible. The worst aspect, for me, was not being able to see The Impossible Astronaut, a premiere I had been really excited for. In hindsight, this was to be the start of a lifetime of disappointment. When I finally watched this two-parter I was initially blown away, but as Season 6 went on, it became increasingly clear that the admittedly well-done setup of The Doctor's death and Amy and Rory's decision to hide it from his younger self were all for nought, and it was a very egregious example of the way that Moffat fails to write compelling mystery and suspense.
The Silents, introduced in this episode, have the inklings of a good idea. Moffat likes to play around with sight and memory, and so the gimmick of the Silents erasing your memory of them when you look away is quite spectacular. As time wears on, though, it becomes a bit of a tired meme, and holes start appearing in the concept - how did these things come to be, and how do they communicate? We're never given those details; neither are we very clear on why they are manipulating the Human race, other than some vague mentions of them blowing up the TARDIS last season and one of them killing a woman at random in a bathroom. For me and a few others, the story fails to convince the viewer that the Doctor's solution to the problem - brainwashing Humanity into committing a Silent genocide using the Moon Landing video - is anything short of barbaric and cruel, especially when the music and tone make it seem like a heroic and dashing thing to do with no moral implications.
Other annoyances in the episode bought it a place on the upper half of this list. Like Churchill before and after, the episode sees the Doctor palling around with war criminal Richard Nixon. (I look forward to Doctor Who in 40 years doing an episode where the 21st Doctor goes for dinner with Trump). In Moffat tradition, there is melodrama and death fake-outs, further damaging the credibility of the show's stakes, and River Song is here at her most annoying, clichéd self. It's also worth mentioning that as a whole, Series 6 is my least favourite of the revival for a number of reasons, and some of them are showcased here - poor writing, the really bad mytharc story surrounding River Song, and a feeling that the show is just being half-assed on every front.
Honourable Mention: The Wedding of River Song is the culmination of this terrible storyline and is just as muddled and poorly thought-out. It manages to barely escape the list by not including a genocide, and by being too similar to some other episodes already here.
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| Rory thinks he look intimidating, but he's also wearing a Roman outfit for literally no reason and he looks like a stoned hipster asking after his weed stash. |
4 - A Good Man Goes To War (Series 6, Episode 7)
Written by Steven Moffat
I don't quite know where to start with Good Man. It feels quite unique, for both good and bad reasons. At the time I recognised it as fluffy in the extreme - heavy in style, light in substance. Now Meant to be the dramatic cliffhanger to the first half of a season unnecessarily split in two, the events of Good Man are so bizarre and ridiculous that sometimes I have to remind myself that an episode this bad even exists.
Never one for subtlety, the Doctor (the one famous for solving his problems with words and using violence as a last resort) blows up an entire fleet of Cyberman ships (which they apparently have now) to extort information about Amy's location. Rory thinks he's cool because he's wearing a centurion costume, and for some reason the soundtrack agrees. We find that Amy has been kidnapped by a military cult called the Silence; an offshoot of a Space Church that wants the Doctor dead. This army includes human soldiers, two gay characters who literally ask why they deserve to have names, and headless monks who never appear before or after and who make no sense. This trained army is disabled by a bunch of Silurians and a "good" Sontaran who talks about breastfeeding. After humiliating one of the Silence generals, it is revealed that Amy's baby is part Time Lord because she was conceived in the TARDIS, "in a bunk bed" and that River Song was Amy's baby after all. The bad guy gets away with Amy's baby, as the one they thought they rescued was a clone that melts when she leaves.
The moment I heard that Amy had named her child "Melody Pond" I knew what the twist was; I'm not sure anyone was particularly asking for that kind of twist, either. River Song's welcome was long overstayed, and tying her destiny even more tightly with The Doctor's feels uncomfortable for a show with a characteristically transitive nature. The loss of Amy's baby, something that should be traumatising to Amy and Rory, never gets the treatment it deserves in follow-up episodes, and this is where for me they cease to be characters and become delivery devices for cool one-liners.
Honourable Mention: The Almost People is nowhere near this list, as the two parter it closes actually has good ideas and executes them well, but the ending scene where Amy is revealed as a ganger and then we watch her being forced to give birth in captivity is traumatic and horrible. It has Moffat's hands all over it.
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| And billions died. |
Written by Peter Harness
Please read my review of this episode, it goes into much more detail on just how scientifically illiterate it is.
I have debated with myself about how high on this list this episode deserves to be; it was in second place for a while until I came to my senses. While it does deserve to be here, the reason that this episode is so bad is entirely down to its own writer, Peter Harness, who likes to bring right-wing political elements to his episodes. Kill The Moon fails on three fronts - the science that is so bad as to render the episode unbelievable, the anti-abortion message shoved into a show it does not belong in, and a general failure to make anyone in the slightest bit likable.
The central dilemma at the heart of the story, whether to kill the alien living in the moon, never has any weight because the science used in the episode is so laughable. The Doctor has been coming to Earth for thousands of years, and has only now noticed that the Moon is an egg?! Lines about there being no minerals or water on the moon betray the fact that Harness didn't seem to do a cursory Wikipedia search before writing this trash, and that lack of effort seeps into the episode. We're meant to be struck by the moral dilemma, and be taught that not aborting the child is the best thing to do in the long run, but unlike in the real world, Harness brings in magic nonsense that defies the laws of physics in order to avoid all consequences for that choice. That over all other things makes the polemic nature of this episode as clear as glass. The anti-abortion message is so woven into the episode that there's no hope of actually exploring sci-fi ideas, because everything is pointed towards making you hate the idea of abortion in every situation.
I really have to wonder how this got past the writing team. It's notable that Harness' later stories are co-written with Moffat, in a miraculous case of him making something better by being there. That would not be the case in the remainder of this list, with two Moffat episodes taking the silver and gold slots by a country mile...
Honourable Mention: The Zygon Invasion/The Zygon Inversion two-parter, also written by Harness, spends its first half going, "Did you know that all refugees are terrorists? Dangerous terrorists. Anyone of them could be a terrorist. Your mum could be a terrorist." It then spends its second half going, "How dare you suggest that refugees are terrorists!? All that terrorists need to stop terroristing is a good talking to." It was stupid, insensitive, and although the speech at the end is well performed, the whole exercise was a total disaster.
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| I would mention the amazing moment when Moffat kills off a new black character so she can have been a white woman all along, but that feels like overkill. |
Written by Steven Moffat
This was originally going to be one step above its immediate predecessor, A Good Man Goes To War, but then I realised that it had Hitler in it as a joke character and it just shot up here. Let's Kill Hitler is, quite frankly, an embarrassment. The end of hiatus should be a time for a good episode to bring the audience back on side, but instead we are given this nonsense - more of everything Moffat; fake-outs, making The Doctor the centre of everything, River Song, sexism, and so on.
Let's Kill Hitler is a confusing beast because it expects us to take it seriously as Moffat abuses time travel and retcons to try and make River Song's story make sense. The deep trauma Amy and Rory would suffer at losing their newborn daughter is explained away; "She was with them the whole time," he says, "She was the immature friend they had, so really they helped raise her after all!" The simple fact is that, not only is this callous, it doesn't even make sense. The Doctor's personality changes drastically even across one life, and yet we're meant to believe that River's brainwashing lasted two lifetimes, even when one of them saw her being raised as a human child in Leadworth. Her character bounces around so much in this one episode that the "surprise" at the end when she decides to sacrifice the rest of her regenerations to reverse The Doctor's poisoning feels hollow, and, along with the time-travelling vigilante team, puts a focus on Moffat's hero-worship of the Doctor over all other things.
Trying to mix this shambles of a main plot with the biggest sci-fi cliche of all time is a big no-no, as is the entire threat of the episode. You can't have the Doctor's death lingering over us from the premiere and then expect us to care that he might die now instead of then. We all know he isn't going to die, but Moffat just resist using this trope over and over. What we're left with is an episode that really serves no purpose beyond dropping the hint for the solution to this season's grand gambit. It doesn't even manage to be fun, because it all rings as insincere and childish, and with a deep lack of respect for those watching.
Honourable Mention: The Big Bang, where Moffat... retcons the Universe? I should have seen it coming.
That's the worst Series 6 episodes gone, which can only leave...
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| The worst, most drawn-out regeneration. Even worse than the one before. Yes, that one. |
Written by Steven Moffat
My review here from the time is really good, and talks about the plot.
Here it is. The worst story belongs to the worst Doctor. Since 2013 I have seen almost everything in the Classic Series, and I have been waiting for something to knock Time from its pedestal, and nothing has. In his attempt to culminate everything in the Matt Smith era, Moffat manages to encapsulate almost every shit thing about it. He makes the Doctor the centre of the Universe one last time, and simultaneously tries to brand his mark onto the show in a permanent and terrifying way. Not content to retcon his predecessor's main storyline out of existence, not content to retcon his terrible companion into every area of Doctor Who history, Moffat decided he also had to be the one to solve the issue of the Doctor's regeneration limit, despite being two Doctors too soon, just so they can write that Moffat woz 'ere.
I might not have minded Moffat's solution to the 13 life problem had it not been such a deus ex machina. Clara begging the Time Lords to help The Doctor is something that should not have worked, and only works because of her status as a magical plot device here in her first season. The paradox the Doctor's survival creates is one that Moffat never apparently realised, as without his death and grave to send Clara through time in Name of the Doctor, all of this never happens, and Series 7 never happened. Which seems to be the show's attitude as well, as apart from the Zygon two-parter, nobody has ever mentioned the events of this season after the fact.
Sexism and archaic attitudes to gender politics were rife throughout Moffat's era, especially in Smith's tenure, and that is one of the things I remember the most from this episode. Smith's Doctor is not a role model for children - he is a pest. The Doctor by this point in his life has literally no excuse to be unfamiliar with human customs and standards of reasonable interaction. He smacks Clara on the bottom and shows up to her house naked. Five episodes before this he sexually assaults a rape survivor in The Crimson Horror by holding her down and kissing her. He laughs when she slaps him, and tells her it feels good. It may seem like I'm demonising the Doctor here, but it's clear from elsewhere both in Doctor Who and away from it that Moffat simply doesn't see anything wrong with these things
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| Fuckety-bye! |
Thanks
Thursday, 1 March 2018
Top Ten Worst Moffat Era Episodes, Part One
I recently wrote a list of my favourite Moffat era episodes in order to shine to positivity onto what I saw as a bad time for the show. This is not that list. For all intents and purposes, this list is intended to be my final word on everything Moffat did wrong in his seven years with the program. Some episodes are on this list because they are truly bad; others because they encapsulate an aspect of the era as a whole that really ground my gears. I'll also include (dis)honourable mentions with each entry to highlight episodes that escaped being included here. Okay, here goes...
10 - Curse of the Black Spot (Series 6, Episode 3)
Written by Steve Thompson.
Eleven, Amy and Rory are a trio who, in Season 5, were developed as a fun alternative to previous companions. Eleven wasn't the authority figure that previous Doctors had been; instead, he came off as a weird mate to two fun hipsters. While this worked in Series 5, in Series 6 it starts to become jarring. I started to hate Eleven's humour, and the way that the series would excuse some of his more morally questionable actions in the name of "fun" and spectacle. Soon, on top of the that, the individual episodes would begin to suffer when the series' mytharc began to colour every aspect of production. While we will explore more of that later, what comes first on this list is the painfully mediocre Curse of the Black Spot.
I was initially excited for this story - it's got pirates and magic, as well as Hugh Bonneville and Lily Cole (who at 15 I liked for two very different reasons). The episode's main concept actually works fairly well - a pirate curse which sends a Siren to destroy those who are injured is, in actual fact, the workings of an alien medical system trying to heal members of the crew. The problems come in the execution. Everything goes well until we actually reach the alien ship and Rory is almost drowned, leading to a long, drawn-out scene where we are meant to be sad and actually believe that Rory is going to die, even though by this point in Moffat's tenure they had pulled this trick about six times. This is just one facet of an overall problem Moffat's era has with believable stakes, with Moffat's inability to actually kill a main character lasting into the final episode of his tenure.
And, on top of all that, the issue I and others have had is that it isn't particularly memorable. A lot of the other episodes in this season have had very iconic images, whereas the pirate theme is such stale window-dressing that I'm not sure people even remember it as "the pirate one". Maybe "the one on the boat with the supermodel". While it was initially this mediocrity that got it put on this list, the melodrama was what ensured it stayed here.
Honourable mention: Night Terrors, which is just as bland and ridiculous but at least tries to be scary with some competence.
9 - The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe (Series 7, First Christmas Special)
Written by Steven Moffat.
"You and me, Cyril, we're weak. But she's female."
Doctor Who is cursed with bad Christmas specials, it's just the case. They've tried to offset this in recent years by having important plot things happen in them, but before they tried this, there was this episode. Doctor-Widow-Wardrobe is full of so many odd things that I'm actually surprised that the thing that immediately comes to mind when I look back on it was how exceedingly dull it was. This episode might be lower on the list if it weren't for its bizarre sexual politics and for the fact that this is the start of Series 7, the series that took two years to finally end.
It feels very much like Moffat trying to convince us, and not too successfully, that he is a feminist.
The climax of the episode has guest character Madge save the day because the aliens see her as the strongest member of the group. This is because she is a mother, and women are strong and better than men because they can be mothers. Aside from the fact that motherhood is not the only thing that defines a woman's worth, the outright statement of "we're weak, but she's female" is such a clear attempt to dispel the discussion of the thoroughly unpleasant things that Moffat wrote previously. "Look, he said that women were great. He must be feminist." That falls through though when we see the backstory, where the most romantic way he can think of having Madge and her husband get together is him stalking her until she is worn down by his constant harassment.
The episode does have some nice moments with Madge's kids, and with Bill Bailey's cameo. But the rest of it feels as wooden as the monsters of the week.
Honourable Mention: Last Christmas, whose wasted potential as a great send-off for Clara is tempered by a passable plot and a fun guest star.
8 - The Power of Three (Series 7, Episode 4)
Written by Chris Chibnall
It's an appearance by our next showrunner, whose writing for Doctor Who has always towed the line between okay and terrible. Chibnall had a big hand in the story of 2012's September Season, writing two of its five episodes and also writing online-exclusive prologues and epilogues (one of which included the Doctor sexing up a historical figure and "laying down some backing vocals" for Dizzee Rascal.) With the exception of its third episode, I really don't like the September Season very much at all, and of his two episodes I hate this one slightly more.
The Power of Three acted as part of the September Season's theme statement, with The Doctor acting as a random interjector into Amy and Rory's suburban life. While this departure from Who norm should have been an refreshing new take, it instead highlights just how much Amy and Rory had ceased to work as companions - why would they ever want to spend time in the TARDIS? The episode loosely follows an alien plot where millions of black cubes appear out of nowhere. Apart from letting us get to know Moffat's modern version of UNIT, the episode's main plot goes nowhere, with a forgettable alien villain with zero visible motivation. Instead, a lot of the runtime is filled with smaller ideas that never get fleshed out, leaving the main story deflated and unimpressive.
Part of my feeling on this is clouded by the fact that as the years have dragged on I have come to find Amy and Rory absolutely insufferable. Something about them feels off and unrealistic, possibly the way that throughout their tenure on the show they never react to trauma in the way that real people do, and they aren't allowed to when the stakes are never high enough for us to care either.
Honourable Mention: Dinosaurs on a Spaceship, which I hate almost as much as this episode for its bland guest characters, weird rapey undertones and flashbacks to Pete, Part Two. It escapes this list by at least trying, and because I couldn't fit them both in when there's so much else that needs to be on here.
7 - Angels Take Manhattan (Series 7, Episode 5)
Written by Steven Moffat
We've moved one space in the list, and one episode along in the show. When the Weeping Angels first appeared in Blink they were scary and unique, and even though I didn't rate them much, I understood the novelty and admired its execution. Their next appearance in Season 5 was great too, enhancing their powers and reputation. Then came this. Angels Take Manhattan, like most of the Moffat mytharc episodes, is a mess. It wants to impress you with its cleverness, move you with its pathos, make you mourn for two companions who were, at that time, the longest runners in the revival series. Instead, I was left frustrated and confused, baffled at how this made it to the screen in its current condition.
The development of the Angels goes from the bizarre to the absurd - as weak statues, as cherubs, as the Statue of Liberty. At one point the script orchestrates a scene where an Angel is weak enough that it can't use the touch time-travel powers (the ones Angels are famous for using when they're, you know, weak) so that one can grab River Song's arm, leading her to, I shit you not, break her own hand out of love for The Doctor.
At the time I described Amy and Rory's departure as "the adult conclusion for these characters." Now I see them as being written out for narrative purposes - the September Season shows that there was clearly nothing left to do with them. Weeping Angel time travel nonsense is put in place to trap Amy and Rory in 1940s New York, where the TARDIS can now "never go", but no mention is made of them just getting a boat somewhere where the Doctor can reach them. It feels less like the Doctor has felt a great loss and more like he just gave up on his friends because he's a dick. What's worse is that, as I've said above for other episodes, them dying all the time and coming back robbed every single ounce of suspense out of their actual finale.
Rather than dressing up their departure in melodrama, it would have been far more effective and moving for them to leave the TARDIS permanently of their own accord, or even just to kill them. This half-assed crap makes important character moments feel weak. When I think of companion exits that just gut me, that make me miss them, I think of Tegan and "It stopped being fun, Doctor", I think of Sarah Jane stood on a street corner in Aberdeen with her luggage, I think of Jo, with The Doctor leaving her party and slowly driving away. There was so much potential in this but the show set itself up for failure time and time again, and this is the result.
Honourable Mention: Asylum of the Daleks because it began the utter mess that was the multiple-Claras arc and saw Amy and Rory divorce and then get together again for no reason. Also, Daleks don't have Asylums.
6 - Day of the Doctor (Series 7, 50th Anniversary Special)
Written by Steven Moffat
It is no exaggeration to say that I had been looking forward to the 50th Anniversary for about 9 years, which at the time was over half my life. I expected something spectacular, and true to Doctor Who's long and varied history. What we got was the second part of the "of the Doctor" trilogy, Moffat's insidious attempt to imprint himself on every aspect of the show's history regardless of sense or reason. It featured so many retcons and bad storytelling decisions that it felt more like a monument to the Moffat era than anything else - and that includes all the foibles, including having no stakes, remedial attitudes towards women and having a piss poor conclusion. The only reason that is isn't higher on the list is because I am a sucker for nostalgia.
Day's worst crime is the Time War retcon. There were quite a few ways to write the Time Lords back into the series in a way which wouldn't rob the emotional core out of the revival's first four seasons, but instead, the Doctor's greatest regret never actually happened. The event that informed the character of Nine and Ten was a fake, according to this story. Also, there was a WHOLE DOCTOR between Eight and Nine that messes up the numbering, and his inclusion is my most contentious point. Moffat couldn't include Eight because the layman wouldn't know who he was, and couldn't include Nine because Eccleston refused to return (likely balking at the idea of his character's entire personality being a lie), so he just made up his own so he could have one more Doctor to contribute to the series. The War Doctor, while well acted by the late and great John Hurt, doesn't make sense as a character - he's supposed to be a regeneration designed to be capable of genocide, but he ends up not being able to do it, and Eleven is far more genocidal than he is.
Other elements of the episode also don't belong in a 50th Anniversary special. Ten's engagement to Queen Elizabeth I, admittedly a hangover from RTD, is made even worse by sexist writing, including a line completely ignoring the original irony of "the body of a weak and feeble woman". Most of the not-Time-War plot was taken up by a Zygon invasion of earth, which seemed an oddly specific callback to make and whose only real legacy was setting up the politically insensitive Zygon two-parter in Series 9. Among other miscellanea, the show also contained a random appearance by Billie Piper, not playing Rose Tyler; a Doctor Who superfan who would later go on to be killed by Missy, and Tom Baker as "The Curator", who is implied to be a future incarnation of the Doctor re-wearing Four's body.
Honourable Mention: Name of the Doctor also pulls off a spectacularly bad retcon when it tries to claim that Clara is responsible for not only saving The Doctor's life thousands of time, but for every good thing that has ever happened in the Doctor Who universe. Is not on this list because I already included two from the "...of the Doctor" trilogy on here.
I cut this article in half because of its length, so expect the top five soon.
Thanks.
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| The original placing of this episode saw Amy larking about on a pirate ship right after traumatically losing her child. Small blessings. |
Written by Steve Thompson.
Eleven, Amy and Rory are a trio who, in Season 5, were developed as a fun alternative to previous companions. Eleven wasn't the authority figure that previous Doctors had been; instead, he came off as a weird mate to two fun hipsters. While this worked in Series 5, in Series 6 it starts to become jarring. I started to hate Eleven's humour, and the way that the series would excuse some of his more morally questionable actions in the name of "fun" and spectacle. Soon, on top of the that, the individual episodes would begin to suffer when the series' mytharc began to colour every aspect of production. While we will explore more of that later, what comes first on this list is the painfully mediocre Curse of the Black Spot.
I was initially excited for this story - it's got pirates and magic, as well as Hugh Bonneville and Lily Cole (who at 15 I liked for two very different reasons). The episode's main concept actually works fairly well - a pirate curse which sends a Siren to destroy those who are injured is, in actual fact, the workings of an alien medical system trying to heal members of the crew. The problems come in the execution. Everything goes well until we actually reach the alien ship and Rory is almost drowned, leading to a long, drawn-out scene where we are meant to be sad and actually believe that Rory is going to die, even though by this point in Moffat's tenure they had pulled this trick about six times. This is just one facet of an overall problem Moffat's era has with believable stakes, with Moffat's inability to actually kill a main character lasting into the final episode of his tenure.
And, on top of all that, the issue I and others have had is that it isn't particularly memorable. A lot of the other episodes in this season have had very iconic images, whereas the pirate theme is such stale window-dressing that I'm not sure people even remember it as "the pirate one". Maybe "the one on the boat with the supermodel". While it was initially this mediocrity that got it put on this list, the melodrama was what ensured it stayed here.
Honourable mention: Night Terrors, which is just as bland and ridiculous but at least tries to be scary with some competence.
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| How The Moff Stole Christmas |
Written by Steven Moffat.
"You and me, Cyril, we're weak. But she's female."
Doctor Who is cursed with bad Christmas specials, it's just the case. They've tried to offset this in recent years by having important plot things happen in them, but before they tried this, there was this episode. Doctor-Widow-Wardrobe is full of so many odd things that I'm actually surprised that the thing that immediately comes to mind when I look back on it was how exceedingly dull it was. This episode might be lower on the list if it weren't for its bizarre sexual politics and for the fact that this is the start of Series 7, the series that took two years to finally end.
It feels very much like Moffat trying to convince us, and not too successfully, that he is a feminist.
The climax of the episode has guest character Madge save the day because the aliens see her as the strongest member of the group. This is because she is a mother, and women are strong and better than men because they can be mothers. Aside from the fact that motherhood is not the only thing that defines a woman's worth, the outright statement of "we're weak, but she's female" is such a clear attempt to dispel the discussion of the thoroughly unpleasant things that Moffat wrote previously. "Look, he said that women were great. He must be feminist." That falls through though when we see the backstory, where the most romantic way he can think of having Madge and her husband get together is him stalking her until she is worn down by his constant harassment.
The episode does have some nice moments with Madge's kids, and with Bill Bailey's cameo. But the rest of it feels as wooden as the monsters of the week.
Honourable Mention: Last Christmas, whose wasted potential as a great send-off for Clara is tempered by a passable plot and a fun guest star.
8 - The Power of Three (Series 7, Episode 4)
Written by Chris Chibnall
It's an appearance by our next showrunner, whose writing for Doctor Who has always towed the line between okay and terrible. Chibnall had a big hand in the story of 2012's September Season, writing two of its five episodes and also writing online-exclusive prologues and epilogues (one of which included the Doctor sexing up a historical figure and "laying down some backing vocals" for Dizzee Rascal.) With the exception of its third episode, I really don't like the September Season very much at all, and of his two episodes I hate this one slightly more.
The Power of Three acted as part of the September Season's theme statement, with The Doctor acting as a random interjector into Amy and Rory's suburban life. While this departure from Who norm should have been an refreshing new take, it instead highlights just how much Amy and Rory had ceased to work as companions - why would they ever want to spend time in the TARDIS? The episode loosely follows an alien plot where millions of black cubes appear out of nowhere. Apart from letting us get to know Moffat's modern version of UNIT, the episode's main plot goes nowhere, with a forgettable alien villain with zero visible motivation. Instead, a lot of the runtime is filled with smaller ideas that never get fleshed out, leaving the main story deflated and unimpressive.
Part of my feeling on this is clouded by the fact that as the years have dragged on I have come to find Amy and Rory absolutely insufferable. Something about them feels off and unrealistic, possibly the way that throughout their tenure on the show they never react to trauma in the way that real people do, and they aren't allowed to when the stakes are never high enough for us to care either.
Honourable Mention: Dinosaurs on a Spaceship, which I hate almost as much as this episode for its bland guest characters, weird rapey undertones and flashbacks to Pete, Part Two. It escapes this list by at least trying, and because I couldn't fit them both in when there's so much else that needs to be on here.
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| I have never hated a TARDIS team more. |
Written by Steven Moffat
We've moved one space in the list, and one episode along in the show. When the Weeping Angels first appeared in Blink they were scary and unique, and even though I didn't rate them much, I understood the novelty and admired its execution. Their next appearance in Season 5 was great too, enhancing their powers and reputation. Then came this. Angels Take Manhattan, like most of the Moffat mytharc episodes, is a mess. It wants to impress you with its cleverness, move you with its pathos, make you mourn for two companions who were, at that time, the longest runners in the revival series. Instead, I was left frustrated and confused, baffled at how this made it to the screen in its current condition.
The development of the Angels goes from the bizarre to the absurd - as weak statues, as cherubs, as the Statue of Liberty. At one point the script orchestrates a scene where an Angel is weak enough that it can't use the touch time-travel powers (the ones Angels are famous for using when they're, you know, weak) so that one can grab River Song's arm, leading her to, I shit you not, break her own hand out of love for The Doctor.
At the time I described Amy and Rory's departure as "the adult conclusion for these characters." Now I see them as being written out for narrative purposes - the September Season shows that there was clearly nothing left to do with them. Weeping Angel time travel nonsense is put in place to trap Amy and Rory in 1940s New York, where the TARDIS can now "never go", but no mention is made of them just getting a boat somewhere where the Doctor can reach them. It feels less like the Doctor has felt a great loss and more like he just gave up on his friends because he's a dick. What's worse is that, as I've said above for other episodes, them dying all the time and coming back robbed every single ounce of suspense out of their actual finale.
Rather than dressing up their departure in melodrama, it would have been far more effective and moving for them to leave the TARDIS permanently of their own accord, or even just to kill them. This half-assed crap makes important character moments feel weak. When I think of companion exits that just gut me, that make me miss them, I think of Tegan and "It stopped being fun, Doctor", I think of Sarah Jane stood on a street corner in Aberdeen with her luggage, I think of Jo, with The Doctor leaving her party and slowly driving away. There was so much potential in this but the show set itself up for failure time and time again, and this is the result.
Honourable Mention: Asylum of the Daleks because it began the utter mess that was the multiple-Claras arc and saw Amy and Rory divorce and then get together again for no reason. Also, Daleks don't have Asylums.
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| The biggest retcon, of course, is the idea that Ten would ever go around with a floppy fringe. |
Written by Steven Moffat
It is no exaggeration to say that I had been looking forward to the 50th Anniversary for about 9 years, which at the time was over half my life. I expected something spectacular, and true to Doctor Who's long and varied history. What we got was the second part of the "of the Doctor" trilogy, Moffat's insidious attempt to imprint himself on every aspect of the show's history regardless of sense or reason. It featured so many retcons and bad storytelling decisions that it felt more like a monument to the Moffat era than anything else - and that includes all the foibles, including having no stakes, remedial attitudes towards women and having a piss poor conclusion. The only reason that is isn't higher on the list is because I am a sucker for nostalgia.
Day's worst crime is the Time War retcon. There were quite a few ways to write the Time Lords back into the series in a way which wouldn't rob the emotional core out of the revival's first four seasons, but instead, the Doctor's greatest regret never actually happened. The event that informed the character of Nine and Ten was a fake, according to this story. Also, there was a WHOLE DOCTOR between Eight and Nine that messes up the numbering, and his inclusion is my most contentious point. Moffat couldn't include Eight because the layman wouldn't know who he was, and couldn't include Nine because Eccleston refused to return (likely balking at the idea of his character's entire personality being a lie), so he just made up his own so he could have one more Doctor to contribute to the series. The War Doctor, while well acted by the late and great John Hurt, doesn't make sense as a character - he's supposed to be a regeneration designed to be capable of genocide, but he ends up not being able to do it, and Eleven is far more genocidal than he is.
Other elements of the episode also don't belong in a 50th Anniversary special. Ten's engagement to Queen Elizabeth I, admittedly a hangover from RTD, is made even worse by sexist writing, including a line completely ignoring the original irony of "the body of a weak and feeble woman". Most of the not-Time-War plot was taken up by a Zygon invasion of earth, which seemed an oddly specific callback to make and whose only real legacy was setting up the politically insensitive Zygon two-parter in Series 9. Among other miscellanea, the show also contained a random appearance by Billie Piper, not playing Rose Tyler; a Doctor Who superfan who would later go on to be killed by Missy, and Tom Baker as "The Curator", who is implied to be a future incarnation of the Doctor re-wearing Four's body.
Honourable Mention: Name of the Doctor also pulls off a spectacularly bad retcon when it tries to claim that Clara is responsible for not only saving The Doctor's life thousands of time, but for every good thing that has ever happened in the Doctor Who universe. Is not on this list because I already included two from the "...of the Doctor" trilogy on here.
I cut this article in half because of its length, so expect the top five soon.
Thanks.
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