List: The Top Five Songs I Hate (At The Moment)

You all know that here at Audenshaw Reviews I like to keep things positive (with a few exceptions). I don't like pain, and so I try to avoid reviewing anything that's actively or offensively bad, but I can't help but find these things in daily life. Especially in the horrendous modern music scene. So here, to apologise for my lack of posts due to illness, are my least favourite five songs in the charts, or about to enter the charts, at the moment.

5.) Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO ft. Lauren Bennett and Goonrock




Not all of the songs on this list are wrong, offensive or necessarily bad. I'd never heard of the brashly named LMFAO before this rather quite clever song, and I probably won't hear of them again. The video is very clever, and the song does fit its purpose as a dance track, as the nearly eponymous title suggests. However, you didn't read this article to here why I liked these songs.
     The simple fact is that this song is on every UK music channel at several times throughout the day. It's on the mainstream radios, it's on soaps and on supermarket song-systems. And, being a dance song, it's fairly repetitive. To make a long story short; I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hearing it, I'm sick of hearing about it. It's the Number One at the moment, and like many other tracks before it it suffers from crippling over-playing. I never, repeat, never want to hear this song ever again.

4.) Wonderman - Tinie Tempah ft. Ellie Goulding



Ah, Ellie. I've reviewed some of her music before; in my last review I was wondering whether she was heading in the wrong direction, trying to feed the populist market after her less than stellar chart history. Here she proves my point exceptionally by lending her talents to the modern British superstar, Tinie Tempah.
     I don't usually find Mr.Okogwu so offensive; I actually liked his two Number Ones, "Pass Out" and "Written in the Stars." They weren't perfect, by any means, but they were well constructed and pandered to the modern chart-music audience. Here, however, Okogwu decides here to simulatenously boast and whine about his newfound fame in a song disguised, at least in the chorus, as one about a comic-book superhero down on his luck. Apparently his main advice is that, "when the fans start grabbing you, Show gratitude with a little brag or two." Need I say more?
     Also, the video gives us no context as to exactly why blowing up a building is a heroic act. Could be an arsonist for all we know. Luckily enough, the structure of the song is decent enough and it's perfectly listenable... if you don't focus too much on the lyrics.

3.) On The Floor - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull



It was Number One over here, guys. Pitbull. This walking insult to modern pop music releases a song with a washed out popstar, and the wise people of the UK decided to put it to number one, giving a boost to both of their careers.
     The song's lyrics are, of course, vapid and empty. This is a club song, a song mass-produced for no other purpose than to facilitate the gyrations of several drunk and sweaty people in dark, expensive night-clubs across the country. I think we can all accept that this is not a song that starts out with any reputation for musical integrity. I think what clinches the real hatred for me is the crippling repetition of the main verses, which make it often akin to fingers drawn down a blackboard.


2.) The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars 


I'll say it now; I thought Bruno Mars was actually quite a promising star when he appeared onto the British Charts in the Summer of 2010. He wasn't annoying, and his songs felt like genuine, modern love ballads with some real point to them. His collaboration with B.O.B, "Nothin' On You," was a favourite of mine during the summer, and felt like the best love song the other side of the Pond had produced in quite a while.
     Then, for some reason, Mars released "Grenade," a whiney song whose hyperbolic, logic-bomb melodrama made it unbearable. It wasn't, however, particularly hateful, unlike this entry. The Lazy Song is cocky, arrogant and irritating, taking an appropriately laidback track and inverting it with lyrics so horrible that they beggar belief.


Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Find a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out
This is great
(Oh my god, this is great)

What a long way we've come from, "You look amazing, just the way you are." I could accept that this was tongue-in-cheek, but that's no excuse to be so obnoxious and cockey about it. This, and the song's inane video, means that this song makes my skin crawl. Also, it's Number effing Two on the UK charts. Pull yourself together, UK.

1.) Bass Down Low - Dev



We're here, ladies and gentlemen. The song that inspired the list, a horrific American splodge that insults the neurons and destroys the eardrums. A sequel of sorts to the equally vapid "Like A G6," Bass Down Low takes the abject stupidity of that record and manages to fully drain it of any miniscule positives. 
      Its similarities to G6 are immediately apparent; the bassline is identical and Dev's contributions to that earlier track help to imbue this opus with much of its familiar obnoxious arrogance. That, of course, coupled with both songs' meaningless lyrics, tinged with only the slightest smudge of relevance. Dev claims with some confidence that any possible suitors of hers must be aware that, "I like my beats fast and my bass down low." And? What does that have to do with anything? The irony is especially apparent; the song's tempo is surprisingly casual and the bass isn't particularly lower than any other song I've heard recently.
      Of course, to any American readers this is old news; the song dropped out of the charts there with a peak of #64. But the song is currently in my native charts in the UK, climbing because of an impromtu remix with that omnipresent figure, Tinie Tempah. I can only hope it goes the same way as in the States. 

And that was my Top (Bottom?) Five Songs I Hate. I hope that the above songs haven't offended your sensibilities too much, as they offended mine. 

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That Doctor Who review will appear some time next week, as either three seperate articles or as one bumper-review covering Day of the Moon, Curse of the Black Spot and the highly anticipated The Doctor's Wife. I also hope to finish Lost 4.10 and maybe take a glance at Being Human 1.4, but I'm making no promises whatsoever. 


Thanks.